Thursday, November 20, 2008

It's Always Sunny in Paducah

If you're coming here from the Paducah Sun plug, know that I don't put nearly as much time and effort into my blog as I really should. You know how John McCain kept repeating that Americans are the hardest working people on the planet? I beg to differ.

Anyway, for those of you here is today's excerpt from the Current section. The prompted question was "What was the last commercial that made you laugh?" Ha! Laughing. That's funny. So of course I redirected the question into what I wanted to talk about as I do pretty much every week.

I guess this would be an appropriate week to let everyone know that I have no sense of humor whatsoever. It's true. I stopped giving courtesy laughs to others' jokes several years ago after I had broke up with a girlfriend and she told me that my fake laugh sounded like a cross between a hyena and a disinterested bird. (It didn't make any sense to me either.)

So, when others around me are laughing at cavemen who hate insurance companies or Justin Timberlake being dragged down a busy street, I just politely smile. I'm just waiting for a QVC slip-up or Joe Scarborough to drop another f-bomb on live TV. Now that's entertainment!

That happened.

Monday, November 17, 2008


Congratulations to Albert Pujols, winner of the 2008 National League MVP. Well done sir. Well done.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sunday Broody Sunday

I'm working on a Sunday. I'll come out and say it... I do not enjoy working on Sundays. I'll tell you why. Magical things happen on Sundays. It's true. Just try sitting around on the first day of the week without something unexpected, awesome, inspiring, or maybe a combination of all three happening. I'm a single guy. I live alone. I do not really enjoy being alone very often, so I try to find things to do to occupy my spare time like volunteering for fake charities or writing inappropriate e-mails from patrons' accounts at the library when they get up to print some papers. Sundays, however, are different. Much different my friends. You just sit in a chair and bask in the Sundayness and things will start poppin'. I'm telling you, it's true. But when I have to work on Sunday, it cuts into the basking which I am very disappointed about.

Have I ever told you guys that I absolutely despise the word potty? It's seriously the worst word ever. We play a commercial that prominently uses that word and I cringe every time.

While we're at it, here are some other things that perturb me.

- People who learn a new word and insist on using it incessantly. You'll pick a word like incessantly and accidentally say incestly anyway. There's no need.

- Haters. Don't be a hater. Just because I'm an amazing dancer, you don't have to be jealous.

- Burning something as a protest. Fire is dangerous. Everyone knows spitting gets the point across way better anyway.

- The phrase "golly gee".

- People who insist on rhyming everything. I'm sure there are some Billys who aren't silly and some Barrys who aren't fairies.

- People who ask other people if they've noticed something different about them. That puts too much pressure on the other person. If you want people to know you've lost a ton of weight, wear really baggy pants and a headband.

- Soft phone conversations in public. Can you please speak up? If you're not loud enough, no one can hear what you're saying. It's really rude.

- When girls insist that they are going to go crazy if they don't get chocolate. Suck it up. Boys want a cold drink and to watch a game all the time. But we don't leave work to do so.

- Finally, the lady who has called me non-stop for the past two weeks. I'm tired of listening to your manufactured sappy stories that you think will prompt me to dedicate a song to you. And I don't want to dedicate a song to myself either. That doesn't even make sense. Especially the song titles that you give me. You're kind of gross. Either act like a civil human being or stop calling. It bothers me that I recognize your voice within the first .5 seconds that you start your screeching. And no, I don't want to attend your bonfire. So weird.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

She Moves Like a Breeze

I guess I don't have much to say lately. I've been pretty focused on getting some things done lately. Ya know, important things like playing copious amounts of Scrabble and listening to weird music. Also, of course I always have time for YouTube clips. This is an old favorite of mine. We listened to this constantly the summer of 2005 when I was an intern for the minor league baseball team Savannah Sand Gnats. I had forgotten all about it until today. Notice the fantastic dance moves. Quality stuff...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Snuggie Blankie is Whackie

I had seen this commercial before, but last night I had the wherewithal to write down the name so I could look on YouTube today to find it. I'm not really one for courtesy laughs or laughing out loud at commercials, but this one cracks me up. I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's the black and white depiction of the poor woman struggling so mightily to answer the phone without getting cold. Maybe it's that these people look like they are either wearing hideous choir robes or are in some kind of fleece cult. My favorite moment is right around the 1:05 mark when the entire family is sitting in the stands at a game. No chance I'm sitting by that family if I'm there. I don't want to be handed any propaganda or hear any renditions of 4-part harmony "The Lord's Prayer" while I'm at a sporting event.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Need Your Sticker For Another Coffee

Today is the big day. I've been looking forward to November 4th, 2008, for a very long time now. It's true that presidents don't play as big of a role as most people think. It's as important to vote for your Congressmen or Congresswomen as it is for the next president of our country. However, this is a key election and either way I'm ready for change. I don't think that's out of bounds to say. It upsets me when people assume that just because I'm young I'm uneducated and don't understand the political scene. I would like to think that I do a pretty darn good job of educating myself on the issues and the candidates. Whatever is important to you... the war, the economy, immigration, the environment, shipping American jobs overseas, education, Social Security, health care... this is an opportunity to have your voice heard. So don't be the one to say that your vote doesn't matter. It does. It's important to exercise your right and participate in such a patriotic act. Oh, sorry. Patriot Act. Touchy subject.

Key elections always remind me of the years that I worked at a law firm close to St. Louis in Madison County, Illinois. Let's just say that tort reform is about a foreign word in Madison County as uncontroversial voting is in Florida. Whoops. Both examples I used weren't words at all, rather phrases. You catch the drift. Anyway, the moral of the story is that the law firm had their eyes on particular judges winning the election so everyone could continue making mass amounts of money. (By the way, I'm still not totally sure how I feel about that time in my life. Let's just agree that we won't have an argument about tort reform now, OK? It will just make my head spin. Thank you.)

Anyway, my job on election day was to pick up people and take them to the polls. I actually enjoyed doing this. You never knew what was going to happen and it was at least more entertaining than pretending like I was working all day long. That's hard work! So, I would haul people around in my car and hear from every single one of them how I should put 20's on my Cadillac. People refuse to accept that I'm cool by driving a Caddy until I put bigger rims on my tires. What they don't know, though, is that I'm already cool because I know every single word to R. Kelly's "Ignition" as well as most words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire". Umm... scratch the last one. I forgot that I was just bored and wasn't trying to be cool.

So I hope all of my friends in Madison County have a ride this year. I'll be thinking of you. Vote! And try to not get into any fights tomorrow at work.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Beat Addiction, Not Your Phone

I'm at the station today, even though I'm not working. I feel very productive. I'm working on a project, about to go to the park for a run, and am planning on cleaning my kitchen tonight. I'm trying to get my mind off that dumb dumb dumb dumb Texas corner who had an interception in the bag and dropped the easiest ball ever. #1 to #5. I guess it could be worse. There's no chance that Alabama remains undefeated and their win over Georgia doesn't look so impressive anymore due to the beating they took yesterday against Florida. I think I'm just venting.

And I would like to congratulate my phone for not blowing up in 57 different pieces after I abused it last night. It never has to take me back but it always does. Love shall prevail. But I promise that I'll be better. I just get a little crazy sometimes, but I can't imagine a life without it. Except for of course that I ordered a new phone on the internet a few weeks back. But let's keep that secret between me and you.