Giving Spanks

Shut up. I know I haven't been around lately. Let's go...

I got a new phone and it scares me. I'm pretty sure it's smarter than I am. Actually, I guarantee it's smarter than me. I can't even figure out how Kerry Collins is on a 11-1 team and why people in Atlanta still wear Michael Vick jerseys instead of rooting for the best rookie QB in, well... ever.

I denied a "Pray for Sarah Palin" group on Facebook the other day. That doesn't mean I don't want to pray for her though, so don't be offended. I just don't want the whole world to know how much I miss her. If only Fox News would go to Alaska and see what she's up to. Send Greta. No one will know the difference between frostbite or a laser surgery on her face gone awry anyway.

Inspired to do so by BFA and B Whitt, I finally watched all of High Fidelity the other day. I'm not sure why I hadn't watched it before. It combines all of my favorite things; being a music snob, making lists, Lisa Bonet, and finding good things in unexpected places. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving last week here are 5 things that I am thankful for:

1) Health
2) Family
3) Friends
4) Technology
5) Charles Barkley

My status update on Facebook on Thanksgiving mentioned how my holiday in 2003 was a little rough. Several people asked me why. Want a quick recap? Recap is pacer backwards by the way. Did you know desserts spelled backwards is stressed? It's just a coincidence though so don't think that just because you get stressed it's OK to stuff your face with chocolate cake. The wording is all a conspiracy by Betty Crocker anyway.

2003 Recap: I was working at Best Buy so I couldn't go home for Thanksgiving due to Black Friday. I was (dating, talking, kissing, whatever) a girl in Clearwater, FL, so I went to go hang out with her on the beach for a while on Thanksgiving morning. I ate Subway for lunch. That was the highlight. The car my dad bought for me on eBay did not too well on the way home on I-4, only one of the busiest interstates in America. My engine blew out with no shoulder in a part of Tampa you wouldn't wish your worst enemies to be stranded. I ended up being completely broke down at a stoplight in Ybor City. A prostitute steered my car while I pushed it across the street towards a parking lot. A man told me he could help fix it while I was waiting for Triple A. He ended up offering to sell me drugs. He left. A man drove up to the same parking lot and told me he got so baked at Thanksgiving he forgot his dog. He offered to sell me drugs. I politely declined. The Triple A guy finally came. He took me and my car to the shop telling me about how his dad was a jerk and made him work on Thanksgiving and how he couldn't stand his life. I signed the papers. He hugged me and thanked me for listening. I was baffled. I tried for another hour trying to find someone from school to come pick me up from Lakeland. An acquaintance finally did. He asked me to go out that night. I again politely declined. I went straight to my apartment and shook my head in amazement.

Moral of the story: Don't ever eat Subway for your Thanksgiving meal. That, and make sure the car you're purchasing isn't a lemon before you buy one on eBay.

This week's favorite song is Geraldine by Glasvegas. Enjoy.

Two Minutes For Credit Check

Welcome back. Just to get it out of the way, the midnight showing of The Dark Knight was awesome. I feel like I don't really have to talk about it a lot because it seems as if every movie-goer in America has already seen this film. The thing that everyone perpetually talks about is Heath Ledger's performance. I certainly didn't think the hype was unwarranted. He was amazing. The movie had more of a sinister feel, but I liked the gritty reality of the flick. I'm planning on seeing it again this weekend at IMAX and I'm as excited to see it the second time around.

So an interesting thing happened at this local premiere. For whatever reason there was minimal screen entertainment as people were filing into their seats. Apparently the Cinemark Theatre didn't deem it necessary to let us know for the fifteenth time that Jodie Foster was nominated for an Academy Award for her role in Taxi Driver via the Movie Trivia feature. So I guess people felt the need to entertain themselves. After the wave mercifully failed, I would say at least 27% of the audience started singing the FreeCreditReport.com song. I'm serious. People were really getting into harmonically describing their need to check their respective personal credit statuses. I don't think I'm necessarily making fun of these people, I just don't get the phenomenon. I don't really watch a ton of TV so I guess I haven't allowed the evil of mass marketing geared towards preying on those who might be afraid that they will remain a pirate waiter for the rest of their life reach me yet. Three points for a run-on sentence. I just wish I would have taken the points 4 years ago when the bet was still open that a song about checking your credit report would be available on iTunes.

Things I've been pondering as Zimbabwe sorts out its standard inflation issue. Ya know, like why it costs 10 billion dollars for bus fare.

-Is it funny to anyone else that Punky Brewster is a crusader for the breast reduction movement?

-I can totally understand why people think it's justified that they don't pay taxes. Here is another example.

-Tony LaRussa might be finding a stiffer drink than wine after these last two games against the Brewers.

-I don't even really like the Beastie Boys version of Girls, but Hello Tokyo's remake made me smile.

-I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard "I'm not racist, but..." recently. I would have more dollars than I do now.

-For nostalgia sake, how come no company has come up with a Grandma's House air refresher? I mean, they all smell the same. I don't think it would be too hard.

That's all I got. Later.

None of Your Bees Wax

I told you. I told you. I told you. Yesterday I predicted that Mark Mulder would throw a no-hitter. Well guess what peeps? Mulder didn't allow a hit that entire game last night. Granted, he was knocked out in the first inning after two walks and a possibly career-ending shoulder setback but I was so right. Does that mean I'm now a prognosticator? Because that sounds gross.

Try to go to any college or university in the continental U.S. and have a 5 minute conversation with a girl without her saying "I know, right?". It's impossible. My friend Jordan seems to think this is acceptable for dudes to say as well. He is wrong.

Happy Don't Step on a Bee Day. By the way, have we figured out what was causing all the bees to disappear? Surprisingly, The Happening never explained the answer. I do know that Howard Stern is very concerned about this issue. That's what happens when you have more money than you can possibly spend and you're engaged to a supermodel. You start worrying about bees. I'm worried about filling my car with gas and keeping my character's ERA lower than 1.00 in MLB: The Show.

It bothers me when this exchange occurs:

Know it all: I was watching (a movie) last night. God, I haven't seen that movie in forever.

Dum dum: Oh really? I've never seen that movie. Is it good? I should check it out.

Know it aller: You haven't see that movie? SHUT UP! You really haven't seen it?

Dum dummer: Nope. I think you're so cool that you've seen/heard something that I haven't. Can I buy you a new belt?

Alright, that last part probably doesn't happen. But who cares? This happens more often than you would ordinarily think. Sure, go ahead and suggest something. But don't make the other person feel stupid. Most people don't want to watch or listen to your stupid preferences anyway. I say this as I generally will give out musical suggestions once a week. But feel free to call me a hippie wannabe and suggest that I listen to at least one classic rock album before I tell you the importance of My Morning Jacket. And really, My Morning Jacket isn't that important. Don't let your aspiring local entertainment section newspaper reporter fool you.

But really, it is rather enjoyable to listen to their music.

Later haters.